The Secrets that Brazil Nuts Hide

Pistachios, in large quantities, are classed as hazardous: the collective heat of these huddled-up little beasts can induce spontaneous combustion. This would make Guy Fawkes' Night spectacular and even tastier than usual. I also wonder if that might not be applicable to other things prone to gathering in large quantities. Penguins, ants, football fans... It would certainly be some sight to see in an Everton versus Newcastle match if  a Mexican wave of fire broke out around St James's Park stadium. Although perhaps the weather in Newcastle would be rather inclement.

This week, I learnt some fascinating facts about Brazil nuts via one of my gods, Stephen Fry:

One: they are not technically nuts but seeds. The big boulder within which they are encased is the nut.
Two: Bolivia is the chief exporter, not Brazil. Therefore, I think they should be renamed Bolivia nuts. Even if they do grow in Brazil.
Three: the trees need to be pollinated by a specific bee that in turn relies on a particular orchid. That's just being fussy and deliberately difficult.
Four: for some inexplicable reason they seem to rise to the top of cereals such as muesli despite their size and/or weight. But since muesli is just a dreary, dull, almost colourless breakfast I presume the Bolivia nuts are merely attempting to escape in a Steve McQueen fashion and head for the border.
Five: they can be used to kill someone with a nut allergy by the most ingenious way ever.

This fifth point deserves more detailed scrutiny, if simply for the reason that had Agatha Christie been alive today, surely she would have used it as one of her plots. Everybody knows that a person's nut allergy can be triggered when someone else has been stuffing themselves with pistachios, forgetting to wash their hands, shaking the hand of aforementioned allergee (that may well not be a real word. Yet.), and making them swell to the size of an obese hippopotamus, depending how severe the allergy is.
If all this is obvious, then, what is the ingenious method of a Christie-esque mystery killing? Well, provided that the victim is allergic to nuts and that the murderer is in possession of this vital piece of information, all the murderer would have to do is eat a good handful of Brazil nuts (reverting back to their old name) and at some point seduce the quarry (which was never problematic in Christie's plots). For, uniquely, Brazil nuts - those sneaky delicious creatures - contain something that makes it possible for traces of the nut to be sexually transmitted; thus the allergy flares up. So, basically, Brazil nuts are related to chlamydia and there should now be a call for David Cameron to introduce tests in NHS sexual health clinics. Either that or chlamydia sold in Tescos next to the cashews.