Bring Back Balls

I am incensed.Today, my eyes have been affronted, horrified, appalled by a foul and depraved four-letter word taking centre-stage of the local newspaper and surrounded by photos of the sordid end of school affair:

Prom

Had the local paper been American, had the event been American, I would have no beef with the word. But I live in the north of England, where we have a leaving ball. Four letters, BALL. Or, more specifically, balls for secondary school leavers and school discos for primary school leavers.

When I was eleven, I went to the school disco in a dingy hall down the road from school and was grateful for songs of the ilk of 'Agadoo', 'Macarena', and 'I am the Music Man' played by a DJ of dubious intent, embittered by dashed dreams of becoming the next rave-master at Creamfields, and probably an alcoholic to drown his sorrows. It was marvellous - we could run around and not worry about where we were spilling Coke, play musical chairs with gusto and not mind if we were hurled to the floor by over-competitive adversaries because we were wearing dresses or jeans or whatever from our own (no doubt hideous) 90s' wardrobe collection. When I left secondary school, I had a slightly nicer dress but still not exactly haute couture. Now they're dressed in froufy meringues of an array of colours that would rival any ice-cream stand. And practically all Barbie-blonde or Amy Winehouse-black tresses, and some with tiaras. I have but one question: what the deuce are they going to wear on their wedding days if they're so primped and preened for a leaver's ball?

So, please, none of this prom crap. I repeat, I am fine if the event is held in the States; I am fine if the speaker is American; I am fine if a person whose first language is not English uses it. However, I must insist that British people not use American words when we are already in possession of our own British words. And 'movie'. No, no, no. Just no. We are British. We use the word 'film'. If we start calling films 'movies' we will have to start calling phones 'speakies' and computers 'typies'.

For the good of future British generations, I beseech you, good public, Bring Back Balls!